especially my job. & mornings like this one push me over the edge where I’ll spend all day filing out job applications & beefing up my resume only to do nothing about it. I suppose it’s my way of coping, pretending to find different employment. I cannot deny the fact that this is a full time job with the ultimate job security. sure it pays shit & I have to deal with horrendous people but it’s money. it pays the bills, sadly it’s what keeps me alive while simultaneously killing my spirit. I simply cannot afford to quit with the bills I have to pay & trying to start a savings. I’m just tired of living a miserable life.

word of advice: never work for your boyfriend’s (or significant other’s) family. not a good situation.

some serious changes are on their way. going to quit my job by the end of the year. huge move, that i’ve been contemplating for months. so thankful that i have a wonderful man by my side, supporting me through all of this. getting out of this negative environment. seriously scared shitless. have no clue where i’ll find another job or how long that’ll take. but we will make it work. we’ll be stronger. above all else i’ll be happy. we’ll be happy. hey we might end up having no money, but we’ll be happy & that’s gotta count for something, right?

i usually don’t rant/complain on here. well at least not a lot anways. i just feel like my last post was way too vague.

but working for family sucks balls.
& it’s not even my family.
my boyfriend’s family.
it’s nice for the job security, but that’s it.
the way we get treated here is shit.
like they know they have us trapped.
we have no other option but to work here.
slaving away 9-6pm. day in & day out.

i wish we could quit. pack up our pups and move.
get out of this town, away from these people.

sometimes i freak out & want out of all of this. like today.
i just need to remember to breathe & quit trying to live in my day dreams.
gonna make tonight a good night to get over this shitty day.

i am grateful for my full time job, the stability is provides in my life.
i do not hate my job, but i despise the people i work with & who i work for.

it is not okay to be sexually harassed jokingly on a daily basis.
it is not okay to be bullied, for people to talk shit about you right in front of you as if you weren’t really there at all.

i leave work [almost] everyday in tears because of how i am treated. by my boss. by my manager. by my coworkers.

my boss takes it upon himself to point out how i will never be like our old office manager (who worked there for 40 years & just passed away in november.
my manager likes to criticize my wardrobe because i don’t shop at macy’s like she does. my coworker likes to make inappropriate comments about my body, he likes to put me down & demean my job. saying that secretaries should only answer the phone. i am so much more than a secretary, i am the office manager. i do more work in that store than anyone else.

to go to work for 8 hours, five days out of the week & be subject to such cruel treatment in a negative environment. i am on wits end. but i have to outlet. i have no other job opportunity that will give me 40 hours a week.

it’s hard to stay positive. but i’m trying. if i don’t have anything nice to say, i don’t say anything at all. which is why i’m so quiet at work. i’m not there to put anyone down to make myself feel better. i’m not there to make fun of anyone. i’m there to do my job, professionally. every person i work with is 10+ years older than me. this isn’t high school, grow up.

things are scary right now. they have been all month. devin’s been out of work. i’ve been consumed at work. full time. all financial responsibility loaded upon my shoulders. and i treck on into this next month of overwhelming worry. not knowing when the next time i’ll be able to go to the market and grab somme groceries for my cupboards. i’ve been on complete edge, trying to stay calm. trying not to cry every single day. trying not to yell and fight. i’ve been majorly successful in that. but i’m tired. tired of working a fourty hour week plus listing things on ebay & etsy to try to make up where we lack. i’ve given up so much this past month. my passion for myself. my art. my writing. all out the window. focused on surviving and it stinks. i’ve sacrificed everything i love just to get by and it’s killing me from the inside out. i despise going to work everyday knowing that i’ll come home to a dirty house. my to do list is never done & i feel like i’m fourty-five instead of twenty. something needs to change. soon. or i’ll go totally bonkers.