i really haven’t been anywhere lately. stuck too much in my head. please excuse my absence & complaining.
last night i was the little spoon.
and last night i creid.
do you have to cry to even out your happy moments?
sometimes i think you do.
mostly we just need to pause & figure shit out, but instead we keep moving forward faster not stopping for a single second. can’t catch our breath let alone sort through our racing thoughts. there are moments spent wondering what the hell am I doing with this life of mine, but before we begin to pick that question apart we are onto the next thing. the newly recorded television show to fast forward through the commercials, the messages on our phones that need responding to, the dishes sitting in the sink needing a bath, the dogs to be walked, dinner to be made, the never ending list that keeps you running long after you’ve fallen asleep at night. i need to learn to calm down and sort things through instead of creating messes that never get cleaned up properly. time to stop sweeping things under the mat and spring clean through my life, my heart and my soul. bag up all the bad and throw it out before it all poisons me to death.
it’s hard to find yourself when you’re completely lost within someone else. it’s scary to not know who you are without that other person. it’s okay to be someone’s other half but don’t lose that other half of yourself. we share the same soul but as two wholes.
everything has changed since the days we used to live to be together. weekends in Oceanside, sleepless nights in Hollywood.
somedays our relationship seems lifeless, just a part of the daily routine. it’s okay until it’s not. sometimes you have to figure out how to fight for the life you want and that’s what I’m doing today.
three mugs of wine & that wraps up my birthday. disneyland plans cancelled. breakfast, salvation army, movies, bike ride to the gelato shop, & miniature golf. birthday package from the best friend; floral backpack love. another package from amazon new Polaroid camera. despite the disappointments today was pretty nice.
Obsessing over: going to school? buying a new car? freaking out over everything as usual.
Working on: not working. i’ve gotta pace myself at work so i don’t finish all my work too soon, is that ridiculous? having nothing to do is the worst.
Thinking about: getting off work, 2 more hours. then home; pups, dinner, & a movie.
Anticipating: sorta anticipating my birthday next week can’t decide what to do. (any suggestions?) at least i got the day off from work.
Drinking: water. agua. h2o.
Wishing: i could have a spring break from life to figure everything out.
any advice on being vegetarian/vegan, ect?
i’m going for it, veghead lifestyle here i come.
especially my job. & mornings like this one push me over the edge where I’ll spend all day filing out job applications & beefing up my resume only to do nothing about it. I suppose it’s my way of coping, pretending to find different employment. I cannot deny the fact that this is a full time job with the ultimate job security. sure it pays shit & I have to deal with horrendous people but it’s money. it pays the bills, sadly it’s what keeps me alive while simultaneously killing my spirit. I simply cannot afford to quit with the bills I have to pay & trying to start a savings. I’m just tired of living a miserable life.
word of advice: never work for your boyfriend’s (or significant other’s) family. not a good situation.
